I was not born to be sick. Not with this mind. Not with this spirit. Not with what I know and see.
I could be anything I wanted if it weren't for one thing: physical health (or lack thereof). I've tried to pursue my passions several times. Each time health crushes one passion, I choose another, only to have that one heaved to and fro until it eventually crashes down. It's happened more than once, more than twice...I don't know the count right now. It's a fact. I'm not trying to garner sympathy.
This plight is known by others. George Albert Smith, a past prophet and president (deceased) of a unique Christian denomination known as the LDS or Mormon church was described by his biographer as being a spirited young stallion stuck in the body of an old horse. He endured much trial with health during seemingly untimely seasons in his life. 1
The point? I am like him. I am extremely frustrated that I cannot carry out the vision I see. It is not merely a whim. Nor is it a fairy-tale.
I refuse to believe that I was born to be sick. I have learned much. I wouldn't have the depth or height of nobleness in my vision that I do if it weren't for the pains and sorrows I've had. But I refuse to believe that I am meant to be sick until I die. I will regain my health. If not, so help me God.
If it is in the wisdom of some higher design for me to be sick the rest of my days, then fine. I highly doubt I will be able to upset that with my puny arm. But I will fight to upset that end. Why? Because what if it's not for the greater good? What if it isn't His design? What if it's merely a concession I would be making so I could feel justified in my surrender to circumstances which are supposedly beyond my control.
What if I just roll over and say, "OK, God. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of searching. The agony is too deep. The pain too excruciating. I'm done. I'll just live out life like this. I can find joy." You know what? I've done that and lived like that for the past few years. Yet somehow, the pain, the ache, and the agony will not leave. I'm referring to pain of soul. There is always this call of another path, and I do not want to sit where I am any longer. I've tried to live a different way and it isn't working. I was born to be something else. I do not know in detail what that is, but it isn't this.
I WASN'T BORN TO BE SICK. This is not my destiny in life. I've got to search and do whatever it flipping takes to be healed, aside from sacrificing the truth as I see it. I do not have to. There is another way, and there's something(s) I'm missing. May God help me to find it because I've had it.
I was not born to be this. It isn't BE-ing anyway. It's rolling over, giving up, and simply just existing. I refuse.
TO BE OR NOT TO BE...
I CHOOSE TO BE.
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1. Gibbons, Francis M. "George Albert Smith: Kind and Caring Christian: Prophet of God"
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Wow...this is really amazing and I LOVE it. And I LOVE you. :) My prayers are with you, seriously.
ReplyDeleteYou are truly an inspiration! Thank you for being willing to blog your true feelings! I'm so amazed by how much you have to go through in life and how well you endure! Yesterday for family home evening, Stacy and I read the story in John chapter 9 about how a man was born blind; verses 1-3 say:
ReplyDelete1 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.
2 And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?
3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.
I truly love this scripture because it helps me realize that in times of trial, there's always a purpose in things that happen in life! It's interesting how in this particular story, the blind man was one of the only ones changed by it and as long as one person is influenced by what happens, then it's all worth it! I don't know why you've had to deal with what you've been given (only God knows all the reasons) but one thing I do know is that someone will be benefited by it! It's not fair that you feel your spirit is deserving of more room to do what you dream; hang in there! Your day will come! In the meantime, I know you're influencing so many lives just by being you! I know you've touched my heart! Thanks for your friendship! love ya!
Well, I'm sold. I'm on your team. Just let me know what I can do to help in the effort. You are great, and you were not born to be sick.
ReplyDeleteIf we don't talk to each other this week, so help me God! Megan, thank you for sharing and reminding me how much we have in common and how much I want to tell you about my new health discoveries. I'm convinced you won't have to roll over and give up either. I love you! There's hope.
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